This Week

Ryan Du took two quarterbacks in the first five rounds. Five. In a league where you start one of them. The Durbin Daddies are apparently running a quarterback room, and Week 1 hands them Raffi, the man who once hung 124.04 on Jared in a single week in 2025 — less a win than a felony with a box score stapled to it. They are 1-1 all-time. Ryan Du, you may want to ask one of those quarterbacks to play receiver.

Then there is Ben, who opens against Wesley. Ben has had good teams for years and has done absolutely nothing with them, folding every single time it actually counts, and now he draws the one man on this board with zero head-to-head history — no meetings, no record, no evidence he can do anything at all. Wesley also named his team Wesley. Thirteen guys took a swing at a joke and Wesley filled out a DMV form. If Ben loses to a man who could not be bothered to think of a team name, we are going to hear about it all season. He probably will. He always does.

Alex is the defending champion and has named his team Likely an immaculate conception. Likely. The man won a title and still would not commit to his own bit. He opens against Jeremy, who is 2-0 on him lifetime — though the regular season has never been Jeremy's problem. Ask him about January sometime.

Dee Diggins at Pancake Muncha, where Jacob is 2-0 lifetime. Genuinely cruel scheduling, given Dillon spent two weeks of 2024 wheeling a Disney Princess roller backpack around as the league's designated loser. Nobody with that on his record gets to name a team Pancake Muncha and expect a quiet Sunday.

Speaking of which, Zach — who still has to eat his way through a stack of genuinely disgusting pancakes as the 2025 punishment — brings Goof Troop to Brandon's Beans squad. Lowercase s. Could not be bothered. Brandon is 1-0 all-time, the thinnest ownership claim in league history, and he is bringing it up in the group chat before kickoff regardless. Elsewhere Tom and Ryan De are 1-1 with no angle whatsoever, except Tom named his team Micro Penix and has already done the hard part of my job for me.

Ronan draws Josh and owns him 2-0. Ronan also holds the highest single week this league has ever produced, 186.8 in 2024 Week 9, which he has spent every week since not coming remotely close to. It stopped being a record a while ago and became a thing he brings up at the bar to people who did not fucking ask.

Everybody is 0-0 and gorgeous and undefeated for exactly one more week. Ben, savour it — this is the only part of the season you have ever been good at.